I hope all your Christmas dreams came true...

Thinking of Teddy at Christmas

It's Christmas night,
and I'll be alright,
but there's something that I'm missing.

It's not a toy,
but a golden boy,
whose nose I was used to kissing.

The gifts were great;
there were at least forty-eight,
and I'm sure some came a quite a cost,

but wouldn't it be nice,
no matter what the price,
if we could get back someone that we've lost?

He comes back in my dreams,
or so it seems;
I've only slept for six nights, maybe seven,

and when I wake up
I still miss my pup.
I can't wait to kiss him in heaven.

It's hard to feel gratitude when you're grieving. It's easier to feel angry,and cheated, and depressed. But feeling those things wouldn't honor Teddy, his memory, or the God that have him to me. And even though my heart is broken and I miss Teddy terribly, I have a lot to be thankful for. For one thing, take a look at the cards and flowers we received to mark his passing. And that doesn't include the email, blog comments, phone calls and in-person support from a number of other friends, and family. I am deeply thankful for each and every one of those cards and comments and calls, for the effort expended in selecting or making those cards and actually mailing them. I will keep them always as part of Teddy's scrapbook, and I'll print out those emails and comments, too. Thank you all for validating the loss of a very best friend.

I am also thankful that I had a great dog for ten years, that I was able to spend a lot of time with him during those ten years, that, up until this final illness, those ten years were really healthy and happy. I am thankful for the ad in the paper and the phone call from my mother and the chain of events that led me to him. I am thankful for every walk I had with him almost every night for ten years, an activity which is probably one of my greatest joys in life...walking my dog, listening to my iPod, especially under the night sky in the brisk of fall and winter. This winter will not be the same.

I am thankful that we had the funds to give him the best medical care available and that Teddy was treated so well by all the hands that helped him, even right up to the end. I am thankful for, in the words of my vet, a gentle death, and two kind and understanding people to help him make that transition. Teddy was the only being in that room that didn't struggle that evening. 

I am beyond thankful for a husband who understands "how I am" about my dogs and didn't bulk at extraordinary vet bills (buying time is very expensive) and stepped in when I couldn't do any more and who was willing to sleep on the couch downstairs so I wouldn't be alone with Teddy on his last night because Teddy could not climb the stairs one more time. [He's also really great about a lot of other stuff (see "four Christmas trees," below...).] 

Being thankful and feeling gratitude doesn't erase the pain, but it makes it worth it. Sometimes great joy brings great pain, but it's worth it. Teddy was worth every tear and every dollar. I think that's what gratitude does...it changes your perspective. 

​In every thing give thanks...Thessalonians 5:18. Amen.

I decided to go ahead with my Holiday Open House this year. I started planning it prior to losing Teddy, knowing that it may not happen depending on his health. After losing him, now two weeks ago, I thought it would be good to follow through with it. It would keep me moving forward. So, you might consider it a kind of therapy for me. 

If you've never been before and are thinking about coming, just know that I would be delighted to have you stop by. I offer my jewelry for sale, but it's really about the opportunity to get to know you or to visit with you a little, especially in an atmosphere that isn't rain-soaked or bug infested or miserably hot or humid, like it so often is at the arts festivals. So I hope you'll consider stopping in on Dec. 5th. I even have a few pieces that are not pet-related, so if you're bringing a friend that's not really into animals, why are you friends? No, no....even they will have something that might interest them.

Here are a few photos from last year and some for this year:

So, if you're on the fence, maybe becoming a little familiar with it will win you over. If you're looking at this and are not on my emailing list or didn't get a little printed invitation, you can still come...I'd love it if you did! Just send me a message in the "contact me" area of my website, and I'll send you all the info. So, I hope to see you there!

I knew it was coming. I even knew it was really, really close. Yet, I still wasn't ready for it. And now that it has happened, I still feel wholly unprepared. Almost ten years to the day that I brought Teddy home after meeting a stranger in the parking lot of Cooper Stadium in response to a "Free Dog to Good Home" advertisement in the paper, he is gone. He was a twelve-week old orphan, and we were his fifth home at that young age after his first owner died unexpectedly. Last Saturday was one of the worst days of my life. We miss him as deeply as we loved him, and we love him still.

There are three thoughts that keep me from drowning in despair:

--We did everything we could for him that would benefit him, and we stayed with him to the very end;

--Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal; and,

--Every dog I lose in this life, I gain in heaven.

I'll see you there my sweet boy. 

Teddy had surgery yesterday at Ohio State, and we were already able to bring him home this afternoon! They found and removed six masses in his abdomen, the largest of which was 20 cm in diameter. They also removed the omentum, which is connective tissue that holds stuff in the abdomen in place and was where all these masses were originating. Maybe that will slow the recurrence. I can't say enough good things about his doctors at Ohio State. His surgeon was great, and his oncologist is wonderful--she checked in on him throughout his surgery day and emailed me updates. And the senior student charged with his care during his stay was delightful and kept us informed the whole time. Even the surgeon who removed his spleen and mass in February dropped by to see him and us. It's awful when your dog has to undergo something like that, but at least we feel that he was surrounded and supported by people who really care about him. Thank you Ohio State! He goes back in about two weeks to get his staples removed and have an oncology appointment. So, until then, it's just recuperating and spoiling and loving him.

Many thanks to all of you who stopped by my booth at Wagfest. It was good day and a nice festival (until, upon leaving, it was discovered that my husband's vehicle was damaged in the vendor parking lot by what we guess was someone not very skilled at pulling a trailer.) I was very touched by the concern and words of support offered to Teddy. Thank you so much. Teddy is off to Ohio State tomorrow to get ready for surgery on Wednesday. His CT scan that I mentioned in my last post showed some growths in his abdomen that are probably pressing on his liver and stomach, which would explain his lack of appetite. It would not explain the recovery of his appetite, but Teddy has historically been deeply committed to eating. Your prayers are appreciated and needed--keep them coming! Thanks so much.

Tomorrow there is a CT scan at Ohio State...but, today, we celebrate!!!

Teddy had his second chemotherapy infusion two days ago, and he is feeling pretty good right now. He was a little shaky coming home from that one because they sedated him to biopsy that cyst on his back. I had no idea they would have to shave such a large spot on his back to do it. Now he has a bald spot on his shoulders in addition to shaved strips around his legs and very short fur on half of his tummy where he was shaved for surgery. He looks like a patchwork retriever. He seems to be feeling pretty well now, although the storms last night kept him and Maggie (and, therefore, me and Art) up last night.

What could make him feel even better? Jelly beans...

So, overall, Teddy handled his first chemo pretty well. He did get sick one night, five days after the infusion, but we gave him some additional anti-nausea medication, and he got through it. I think it scared him, and he became really clingy, which may be difficult for the casual observer to detect, as he follows me constantly even when he feels his best. "Clingy" just means that he wanted me to offer constant comfort and to accompany him out in the backyard when he needed to heave a little and to nibble some grass. And that's okay, because that's exactly what I wanted to do andyway, so I could see just how sick he was and to make sure he didn't nibble too much grass. So what if it was 1:30 in the morning? And 3:00 in the morning...and 6:00 in the morning...He is feeling better now.

Teddy had  a blood test at OSU on Tuesday, and that was fine, but his oncologist didn't like the look of a cyst on his back. We were aware of the cyst and had it previously tested, and at that time it turned out to be a not-uncommon, not dangerous sebaceous cyst. But now we have cancer, and the nature of the cyst may have changed. It looks a little different, a little more raised, a little angrier. They took a scraping at OSU and sent it to pathology, and now it has some "atypical cells." They are going to do a bigger biopsy in two weeks when Teddy goes back for his next infusion. I offered to bring him in sooner, like immediately, but they didn't think it would make a difference. The scary thing is that the myxosarcoma that he had in his spleen is usually found on or just under the skin...like a cyst. So now, there's two weeks of waiting. Or two weeks of denial. I'm thinking about going with denial. In the meantime, I have his "carry out" chemo to give him on Friday and Saturday at home.

And now the survival story...after Teddy's operation, we kept him downstairs until his staples came out because we didn't want him to go up and down stairs very much and we especially didn't want him to jump up on or down from the bed. He also needed to go outside much more frequently because all the fluids during surgery affected his kidneys for a while, and he had to be on a leash to go out even though the yard is fenced because he could not run or roll or jump. So, it seemed easier to stay downstairs with him and sleep on the couch in the family room. I did that for almost three weeks. It may sound like a hardship, but I actually enjoyed our little slumber parties and our peaceful sojourns out into the moonlit snow-covered back yard at all hours of the night. When it was time to move back upstairs, I disassembled the bedding on the couch and washed it (which I did along the way, too, but the final time had a special urgency to it. Just sayin'......) So, the sheets and blanket went into the washing machine, along with my ipod, one of my favorite possessions, and one that I use daily, for dogwalking, artmaking, and lying awake while the rest of the world slumbers. And of course, Art had to be the one to discover it in the washing machine. Full cycle, wash, rinse, spun dry. For a few days, it didn't look good, but I kept it in a box of rice, and every day it got better. Once we dislodged a grain of rice that had stuck in the charging port, my ipod is fully functioning with no water visible under the screen. I fear that the insides are corroding, but right now it works fine. So that's one little victory. Yay.

Teddy had his oncology consultation on Tuesday, and we learned two things. The first relates to his cancer, and that is that myxosarcoma probably is better than hemangiosarcoma, but it is still likely to spread, so he will start cheomotherapy next Tuesday. Teddy's oncologist, Dr. Vicario, related that there is only one study of this kind of cancer occurring in the spleen of dogs, and it included only 6 dogs, none of which were given chemotherapy. Teddy's case differs from the dogs' in the study because he will be given cheomotherapy, and his mitotic index (go ahead and Google it; my time is precious...) was considerably lower than that of the dogs in the study. So, we still have hope... but you can never trust cancer.

The second thing we learned is that golden retrievers are irresistible. I kind of already knew that, but Dr. Vicario confirmed it when he asked why anyone who knows how prone the breed is to cancer would have one...and answered his own question by stating the he, a veterinary oncologist, owns a golden retriever. They are beautiful, loving, gentle thieves of the heart. We also learned that Teddy's surgeon at Ohio State, Dr. Bertrand, had a golden retriever that had to be put to sleep just after Teddy's operation for medical problems not related to cancer, and it was just a year and a half old. That broke our hearts and made us realize that we are lucky to have a dog who has lived long enough to have cancer.

With all of this attention on Teddy, we can't forget about our little Maggie. She was diagnosed with Cushing's disease (again, go Google....) just about a month ago, and she has been undergoing lots of testing and monitoring to confirm the diagnosis and regulate her medication. So, she has her issues, too! We're doing all we can for both of them, and they both seem happy and comfortable.